One of my nearest and dearest friends (We'll call her Shaniqua) just had a baby. Shaniqua already has a 2 year old boy and just had a little girl. Now Shaniqua and I have one very big thing in common: anxiety. She is actually the first person I met who was seeking help for her anxiety, and she inspired me to do the same. Now we all know that pregnancy and child birth send your hormones into a crazy land of frustration and torment; add an anxiety disorder in the mix and you have a real party.
Also like me, she will never ask anyone for help. I remember when I had Jackson, everyone said the obligatory, "Hey do you need anything? Ok, well if you need anything at all, just call." I just didn't feel right asking someone with their own life and responsibilities for what I really needed: a casserole, a shower, and a clean house. My mother is not in my life, so there was no female figure (or any figure for that matter) that had been there, and would just swoop in and help me re-acclimate to my new role. So I acclimated by attrition.
Shaniqua, on the other hand, has a strong family made up of all women who have had babies. I still hear and see, however, the subtext whenever we speak/text. The subtext being, "I have no clue what I've gotten myself into. I can't do this, my life is falling apart. I haven't showered in two weeks and I can't remember if I brushed my teeth this morning." So I have given myself a mission; I will help her in the way I never was helped and never knew to help before.
The plan as I see it: I texted her this morning. "I'm coming over Monday. If you're not up to it, that's fine. I'm leaving presents and care items at your door. If you are up to it, I'm going to come by and be your personal servant for the day. I know you will never ask for help so I'm forcing it on you. :)" Smiley faces always make you less obnoxious. I will spend the weekend picking up items that helped me out during my first few weeks: granola bars, rolls of toilet paper (I always ran out and never could go to the grocery store), lanolin, and whisky.
September 10, 2012
I woke up with good intentions. I was going to cook a breakfast casserole and Cheddar Ranch Bacon Chicken Pasta (I don't think they could fit anymore delicious foods into that name), get a few things at the store, and go and be Shaniqua's slave. So I start cooking the breakfast casserole when two plan changing events occur: I realize I'm out of eggs and my husband calls and tells me the air conditioning repair man is coming. Awesome.
Luckily Basement Bobby watched Jackson (not an easy task since he's been velcroed to me during the latest teething spell) and I go to the store. Upon arrival back home, I mix up the casserole (baby clinging to my side) and get it in the oven just in time for the AC guy. I'm Suzie Freakin Homemaker, people!
Then my plan falls apart. Velcro baby wants to start cluster feeding, so I can't cook the pasta, I realize I'm out of toilet paper (I guess I never learned my lesson the first time around), and my husband drank all the whisky last night.
Telling myself I'll have to be satisfied with just the breakfast casserole, I make my haul to Shaniqua's house. To my surprise, Shaniqua had it way more together than I could have ever expected. Not only was her little baby girl sleeping peacefully in her pack and play, her house was spotless and she was in the middle of potty training her son. Hoping to find consolation in another mother losing her mind as she was adjusting to a new phase of parenthood as I had, I made a realization: not everyone has had the same struggles I had. I had assumed that someone else had the same needs a me when my own son was miserable and just wanted me to hold him and comfort him. Perhaps my energy and nurturing nature were misdirected....
Then Shaniqua blew my mind. She opened her freezer to show me her pride and joy:
Holy Christ on a cracker. Her baby isn't even a month old and she has enough milk stored to open her own dairy farm. This sight flooded my mind for the rest of the day. I tested her later that night:
Me: "I can't stop thinking about your milk."
Shaniqua: "I don't even know how to respond to that."
I'm so lucky to have the friends I have. Anyhoo, I find it necessary to point out not only is Shaniqua pumping, she is nursing too! This woman is a le leche league goddess.
Things I learned:
1) Don't assume people need you when they don't ask for your help.
2) Take care of your own business before you force your services upon others.
3) I have to start pumping again. In fact, I'm pumping while writing this. Does that creep you out?
4) Always buy toilet paper.
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