Always Wear Clean Underwear

Do you remember when your mom used to tell you to always wear clean underwear because if you get hit by a bus, all the paramedics and emergency personnel would see your underwear and inevitably judge you based on the snail trails left in your britches?  Well I got hit by a metaphorical bus on Saturday and my metaphorical underwear were metaphorically disgusting.

I went to Babies-R-Us to exchange some shoes that didn't fit Jax/find something to spend my nonexistent money on. I was standing in line at customer service to show someone that I had in fact walked in with the shoes and was not trying to pull a switcheroo (that's right, I used that word.), when I saw my bus. My bus was pushing a pink stroller and loading up bags of merchandise into a cart. My ex was there with the woman he left me for. Now I use the words "ex" and "left me" very loosly: this was my kind of slutty period, so it was more like we saw each other and I fell in love with him and he did not see me as girlfriend material.

Let me point out: he is not my bus because I'm not over him. Looking back, he was pretty much a loser, and it would not have worked out to my benefit at all. But that doesn't change the fact that if I saw him (or anyone I had once dated, for that matter) I wanted to look freaking amazing and show him a) he was stupid to let me get away and b) I wasn't crazy anymore. Unfortunately, I looked something like this:

My hair was up in a VERY messy bun due to bald patches from my son yanking my hair out and/or breaking patches of hair, my post-pregnancy pooch was nestling in for the afternoon (I had just eaten taco bell), and my eyebrows had not been waxed in months. So I hid behind the pregnant woman in front of me and reached the following conclusions:

1) I will never leave the house looking like that again. You never kow who you're going to see. It may be someone that you have petty resentment towards and want them to think you're better than they are.
2) I was lucky to have met my husband because he gave me the mama's boy I so desperately wanted (among other reasons). Since my egg was meant to be fertilized around the same time both men's sperm were meant to do the fertilizing, I got the preferable of the two specimens.
3) My ex, who I remembered looking like this:

actually looks like this:

So though it did not play out exactly as I had imagine, I think the experience had a pretty positive outcome.